Resolutions for Divorced Parents

Dear Kids,

Because we both love you, these are our New Year's Resolutions for divorced parents:

We won't forget the profoundly unfair truth that this divorce -- which you didn't choose, don't deserve and have no power to stop -- has hit you hardest of all. You're the ones who have to schlep back and forth between homes, and you have the right to express outrage -- free from worry that we'll become hurt, defensive or angry.

We know you hate it when we don't give you a say over your own lives, and we know that the schedule we designed when you were four might not work when you're fourteen. So we'll listen with open minds and accommodate your wishes when we can.

If a time comes when you want to spend more time with one of us, we won't assume it means you love the other less, or are running to the more permissive parent. Your needs for closeness and distance will shift between us as you grow up -- that's normal.

When you remind us of each other, we won't react with reflexive disgust. Comments like, "Ew! You look just like your mother in those sunglasses!" or, "Please, that laugh... it's like your father is in the room!" are painful attacks on you.

We won't treat you like burdensome objects to be lugged around. When we growl things at each other like, "Hey, pick-up was at two! Now I'm late for Pilates!" it makes you feel like a junky couch we left on the curb for the Salvation Army.

We won't scrub the house of evidence of each other like it's suddenly a hazmat zone. We'll duplicate photo albums so you'll have them in both places, and if you want our wedding portrait in your room we'll cheerfully supply it.

We won't criticize each other in your presence. And we'll remember that rolling our eyes counts and that you overhear about ninety-five percent of our phone conversations.

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Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531

Stress Reduction Tips for Families of Children with ADHD

Families with children diagnosed with ADHD face big time stress. If you have a child with ADHD, it is important that you have a wide range of coping skills to keep (or restore) the calm and to solve problems. Below is a list of coping strategies that I have found helpful to families of ADHD children:

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Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531

Parenting Your Parent: 6 Things I’ve Lived and Learned

The family vacation is one that is often hyped up. American families have less time together today than ever before. People save money and time to plan for a spectacular week when they will be together having fun, sharing experiences, and reconnecting. The average American only gets 2-3 weeks’ vacation a year and that doesn’t increase because someone becomes a parent. With time being such a valuable commodity, expectations for vacation can be high and disappointments can be higher. Parents visit me upon returning from vacation and can’t wait to vent about what went wrong and how their partner is responsible. The range of topics varies from disagreements about parenting styles, to how much down time was available, to how much time was spend with extended families and friends. Vacations that are not well planned with extensive communication between parents in advance can be a set up for disaster. Before a vacation I often listen to parents say, “we’ll just be glad to get time away together” and I believe at the time their sentiments are authentic, but there tends to be some denial about much work and thought a successful family vacation really requires. Here are some easy ways to make things go as smoothly as parents hope on their annual family a vacation.

Read more from Psychology Today
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Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531

Finding the Possible in Impossible Relationships

The older I get the more I realize the most enduring moments are the ones in which we try to connect with others—like Amy and her mom—no matter how problematic such an endeavor may seem.

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Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531

Think You're Thinking? 6 Reasons to Think Again

Why your mind isn't the steel trap you think it is-The upside to researching is that you’re always learning something new. The downside is that, sometimes, you have to trash some of your most treasured beliefs and illusions. Both happened during the course of writing my new book, Mastering the Art of Quitting. My image of myself as a reasoning person, attentive to detail and sentient, and a thriving realist took a beating from which I’ve yet to recover.

Read full article in Psychology Today

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Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531

9 Types Of Sex To Reignite The Spark In Your Marriage

Love and sex are like the roots that feed the tree. To keep that vital energy going, and the sap rising, you need to provide something new and interesting. Seduction can be as simple as causing your partner to ask what you've been doing that has you so energized and interested. When you're enthusiastic, you're seductive -- it's the most attractive we can be.

The Huffington Post posted this article on nine types of sex to reignite the spark in your marriage! 

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Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531

How to Spot and Deal with Passive-Aggressive People

"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"  

― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior

The NYU Medical Center defines a passive-aggressive individual as someone who "may appear to comply or act appropriately, but actually behaves negatively and passively resists." Passive- aggressive actions can range from the relatively mild, such as making excuses for not getting together, to the very serious, such as sabotaging someone’s well-being and success.

Most chronically passive-aggressive individuals have four common characteristics: They’re unreasonable to deal with, they’re uncomfortable to experience, they rarely express their hostility directly, and they repeat their subterfuge behavior over time. Passive aggressiveness may be directed towards a person or a group.

Read more from Psychology Today
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Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531