Whether to marry and whom to marry are among the biggest decisions—arguably the most important—a woman or man makes. The statistics reveal that human beings aren’t really as skilled as they need to be in this arena, with the rate of divorce roughly between 40% and 50% for first marriage and at 60% for second tries. And despite the cascade of self-help guidance out there, we don’t seem to be getting any smarter about our choices.
So what gives? Is it the way we think about marriage that’s a problem? A look at the research reveals that some of our most common beliefs about how to approach marriage and make it work are wrong.
Read more from Psychology today
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . 386-866-1949
What To Say When You Need Some Alone Time
It's all very well to say that all of us, especially those of us who are introverts, are entitled to live as we choose. But sometimes the words we need to use to set boundaries without causing offense don't easily come off our tongues. So we stammer justifications and fumble with excuses—and often end up just acquiescing to whatever others want anyway, because we simply can't find the solid ground we need for expressing our need for space, time, or solitude. What is that solid ground?
You need what you need, and whether what you you need solitude, or to go home, or to just say no or set any other boundary you feel you need, no one should be able to convince you that you're not justified. Sure, a little white lie now and then can do the trick, but the upside of actually telling the truth about your introverted needs is that the more honest you are, the more people will understand and the more accustomed they will get to letting have the space you need. Following are some suggestions for what to say in various situations:
Read full article from Psychology Today
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . 386-866-1949
You need what you need, and whether what you you need solitude, or to go home, or to just say no or set any other boundary you feel you need, no one should be able to convince you that you're not justified. Sure, a little white lie now and then can do the trick, but the upside of actually telling the truth about your introverted needs is that the more honest you are, the more people will understand and the more accustomed they will get to letting have the space you need. Following are some suggestions for what to say in various situations:
Read full article from Psychology Today
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . 386-866-1949
Take One Minute a Day to Motivate Your Child
Most parents think that the way to motivate children is to combine strategies; tell them to do their homework, raise our voice while telling them to do their homework, saying something to make them feel guilty, setting consequences or pointing our finger at them with determination to let them know we are really serious.
We easily forget that our real goal is to have our children develop ambition that comes from the inside, rather than being moved by outside forces. One tool for developing ambition is to tell your child or teen one minute stories of your personal ambition or another person’s ambition that paid off. This strategy avoids power struggles and creates internal motivation through inspiration. The reason to keep it to one minute is because your child may not pay attention any longer than that and one minute is sufficient to get the message across!
An example of a one minute story of ambition I share with my clients is the time I was in high school and went to a friend’s house and noticed she had a schedule of study hours hanging on her bedroom door. She studied a lot—she even studied on Saturdays! I was inspired by her ambition, organization and use of effective strategies. I began using her strategies, studying on Saturdays, but more importantly felt the inner motor of ambition driving me toward my own goals. Ambition drives kids of all ages to succeed, focus and work at achieving their goals. One minute can make a big difference in kids’ lives!
What stories can you tell about moments that inspired you to become ambitious?
Dr. Lara Honos-Webb is the author of The Gift of ADHD, The Gift of ADHD Activity Book, The Gift of Adult ADD, The ADHD Workbook for Teens and Listening to Depression. Learn more about her work at www.addisagift.com
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . 386-866-1949
We easily forget that our real goal is to have our children develop ambition that comes from the inside, rather than being moved by outside forces. One tool for developing ambition is to tell your child or teen one minute stories of your personal ambition or another person’s ambition that paid off. This strategy avoids power struggles and creates internal motivation through inspiration. The reason to keep it to one minute is because your child may not pay attention any longer than that and one minute is sufficient to get the message across!
An example of a one minute story of ambition I share with my clients is the time I was in high school and went to a friend’s house and noticed she had a schedule of study hours hanging on her bedroom door. She studied a lot—she even studied on Saturdays! I was inspired by her ambition, organization and use of effective strategies. I began using her strategies, studying on Saturdays, but more importantly felt the inner motor of ambition driving me toward my own goals. Ambition drives kids of all ages to succeed, focus and work at achieving their goals. One minute can make a big difference in kids’ lives!
What stories can you tell about moments that inspired you to become ambitious?
Dr. Lara Honos-Webb is the author of The Gift of ADHD, The Gift of ADHD Activity Book, The Gift of Adult ADD, The ADHD Workbook for Teens and Listening to Depression. Learn more about her work at www.addisagift.com
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . 386-866-1949
A Simple Mind Trick that Reduces Emotional Pain
How to reduce the pain associated with distressing experiences. Recent studies have demonstrated how a simple mind trick can significantly reduce the emotional distress we feel when reflecting on painful experiences or memories from our past.
Ozlem Ayduk from the University of California and Ethan Kross from the University of Michigan conducted a fascinating series of studies which investigated the factors that distinguish adaptive from maladaptive self-reflection (read about the surprising dangers of brooding here). They discovered that the perspective via which we recall an experience determines how much pain its memory evokes.
Read full article from Psychology Today
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . 386-866-1949
Ozlem Ayduk from the University of California and Ethan Kross from the University of Michigan conducted a fascinating series of studies which investigated the factors that distinguish adaptive from maladaptive self-reflection (read about the surprising dangers of brooding here). They discovered that the perspective via which we recall an experience determines how much pain its memory evokes.
Read full article from Psychology Today
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . 386-866-1949
5 Strategies to Build Trust and Increase Confidence
The ability to build trust is essential to our wellbeing and to our success in life. We are aware of this, because when a breach in trust occurs, our world is shattered. Yet, in a world filled with uncertainties, building trust can be a huge challenge. How can we build trust? I share 5 effective strategies I use to build trust in countries affected by armed conflict.
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . 386-866-1949
5 Nonverbal Secrets About Eye Contact
Published on April 3, 2014 by Ronald E. Riggio, Ph.D. in Cutting-Edge Leadership
There has been considerable research on how nonverbal cues, particularly cues coming from the eyes affects our behavior. Here are 5 interesting results.
1. Eye-to-Eye Contact Causes Arousal. Staring directly into someone’s (or some social animal’s) eyes causes an arousal reaction. How that arousal is interpreted, however, depends on the parties involved and the circumstances. Staring from a stranger who appears large or ominous can be seen as a threat and elicit a fear response. This is common in social animals. A direct stare from a human to a dog or an ape can be interpreted as a threat from the large (and strange) human. However, eye gaze from a potential sexual partner causes arousal that can be interpreted positively – as a sexual invitation.
Read more Psychology Today
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . 386-866-1949
There has been considerable research on how nonverbal cues, particularly cues coming from the eyes affects our behavior. Here are 5 interesting results.
1. Eye-to-Eye Contact Causes Arousal. Staring directly into someone’s (or some social animal’s) eyes causes an arousal reaction. How that arousal is interpreted, however, depends on the parties involved and the circumstances. Staring from a stranger who appears large or ominous can be seen as a threat and elicit a fear response. This is common in social animals. A direct stare from a human to a dog or an ape can be interpreted as a threat from the large (and strange) human. However, eye gaze from a potential sexual partner causes arousal that can be interpreted positively – as a sexual invitation.
Read more Psychology Today
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . 386-866-1949
Center for Women and Men Annual Luncheon
As Co-Chair of the Advisory Board for Daytona State College Center for Women and Men it is my pleasure to have attended and spoke at our Annual Luncheon. You can read about the wonderful cause here.
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
How To Love Unconditionally When You're Angry
Loving unconditionally is "Win-Win" parenting. That's because not acting on your anger creates more
space for love. And where there is more love, there is always more room for miracles.
Read more
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
 |
| Credit: Psychology Today |
Read more
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
How Healthy Are On-Again/Off-Again Relationships?
What do we really know about on-again/off-again relationships? Why do people break-up, make-up, and then break-up and make-up again? Can repeated separations and reunions be healthy?
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
How to Say Something Nice
Read more
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Love
Almost every one of us can relate to at least a couple of the ways we defend ourselves, self-protect and self-sabotage when it comes to love. In my previous blog, I explored why we do this. Here, I will address what we can do about it. How can we overcome our fears of intimacy to find and maintain the love we so desire?
Read more
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
Read more
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
The Stepparent Waltz
Read more
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
The Language of Respect with Teenagers
What does it mean to build respect between adults and teenagers? Respect means we have high regard or admiration for another’s views and feelings. We value their abilities and inner qualities.
Sadly, many of today’s teens feel undervalued and misjudged by adults. Could our language be part of the problem?
A teenager recently wrote to me, saying “I understand teens have issues… I am a teen. I get these things….I hate it when people generalize that teens love experimenting with drugs and sex and other risks and that we are ‘little sponges’ soaking up social norms that we must counteract. How are happy teenagers supposed to feel? Should they feel strange because they don’t take part in what other teenagers do?”
Read full story
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
Sadly, many of today’s teens feel undervalued and misjudged by adults. Could our language be part of the problem?
A teenager recently wrote to me, saying “I understand teens have issues… I am a teen. I get these things….I hate it when people generalize that teens love experimenting with drugs and sex and other risks and that we are ‘little sponges’ soaking up social norms that we must counteract. How are happy teenagers supposed to feel? Should they feel strange because they don’t take part in what other teenagers do?”
Read full story
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
Resolutions for Divorced Parents
Dear Kids,
Because we both love you, these are our New Year's Resolutions for divorced parents:
We won't forget the profoundly unfair truth that this divorce -- which you didn't choose, don't deserve and have no power to stop -- has hit you hardest of all. You're the ones who have to schlep back and forth between homes, and you have the right to express outrage -- free from worry that we'll become hurt, defensive or angry.
We know you hate it when we don't give you a say over your own lives, and we know that the schedule we designed when you were four might not work when you're fourteen. So we'll listen with open minds and accommodate your wishes when we can.
If a time comes when you want to spend more time with one of us, we won't assume it means you love the other less, or are running to the more permissive parent. Your needs for closeness and distance will shift between us as you grow up -- that's normal.
When you remind us of each other, we won't react with reflexive disgust. Comments like, "Ew! You look just like your mother in those sunglasses!" or, "Please, that laugh... it's like your father is in the room!" are painful attacks on you.
We won't treat you like burdensome objects to be lugged around. When we growl things at each other like, "Hey, pick-up was at two! Now I'm late for Pilates!" it makes you feel like a junky couch we left on the curb for the Salvation Army.
We won't scrub the house of evidence of each other like it's suddenly a hazmat zone. We'll duplicate photo albums so you'll have them in both places, and if you want our wedding portrait in your room we'll cheerfully supply it.
We won't criticize each other in your presence. And we'll remember that rolling our eyes counts and that you overhear about ninety-five percent of our phone conversations.
Read full story here
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
Because we both love you, these are our New Year's Resolutions for divorced parents:
We won't forget the profoundly unfair truth that this divorce -- which you didn't choose, don't deserve and have no power to stop -- has hit you hardest of all. You're the ones who have to schlep back and forth between homes, and you have the right to express outrage -- free from worry that we'll become hurt, defensive or angry.
We know you hate it when we don't give you a say over your own lives, and we know that the schedule we designed when you were four might not work when you're fourteen. So we'll listen with open minds and accommodate your wishes when we can.
If a time comes when you want to spend more time with one of us, we won't assume it means you love the other less, or are running to the more permissive parent. Your needs for closeness and distance will shift between us as you grow up -- that's normal.
When you remind us of each other, we won't react with reflexive disgust. Comments like, "Ew! You look just like your mother in those sunglasses!" or, "Please, that laugh... it's like your father is in the room!" are painful attacks on you.
We won't treat you like burdensome objects to be lugged around. When we growl things at each other like, "Hey, pick-up was at two! Now I'm late for Pilates!" it makes you feel like a junky couch we left on the curb for the Salvation Army.
We won't scrub the house of evidence of each other like it's suddenly a hazmat zone. We'll duplicate photo albums so you'll have them in both places, and if you want our wedding portrait in your room we'll cheerfully supply it.
We won't criticize each other in your presence. And we'll remember that rolling our eyes counts and that you overhear about ninety-five percent of our phone conversations.
Read full story here
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
Stress Reduction Tips for Families of Children with ADHD
Families with children diagnosed with ADHD face big time stress. If you have a child with ADHD, it is important that you have a wide range of coping skills to keep (or restore) the calm and to solve problems. Below is a list of coping strategies that I have found helpful to families of ADHD children:
Read more from Psychology Today
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
Parenting Your Parent: 6 Things I’ve Lived and Learned
The family vacation is one that is often hyped up. American families have less time together today than ever before. People save money and time to plan for a spectacular week when they will be together having fun, sharing experiences, and reconnecting. The average American only gets 2-3 weeks’ vacation a year and that doesn’t increase because someone becomes a parent. With time being such a valuable commodity, expectations for vacation can be high and disappointments can be higher. Parents visit me upon returning from vacation and can’t wait to vent about what went wrong and how their partner is responsible. The range of topics varies from disagreements about parenting styles, to how much down time was available, to how much time was spend with extended families and friends. Vacations that are not well planned with extensive communication between parents in advance can be a set up for disaster. Before a vacation I often listen to parents say, “we’ll just be glad to get time away together” and I believe at the time their sentiments are authentic, but there tends to be some denial about much work and thought a successful family vacation really requires. Here are some easy ways to make things go as smoothly as parents hope on their annual family a vacation.
Read more from Psychology Today
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
Read more from Psychology Today
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
Finding the Possible in Impossible Relationships
The older I get the more I realize the most enduring moments are the ones in which we try to connect with others—like Amy and her mom—no matter how problematic such an endeavor may seem.
Read full article
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
Read full article
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
Think You're Thinking? 6 Reasons to Think Again
Read full article in Psychology Today
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
9 Types Of Sex To Reignite The Spark In Your Marriage
Love and sex are like the roots that feed the tree. To keep that vital energy going, and the sap rising, you need to provide something new and interesting. Seduction can be as simple as causing your partner to ask what you've been doing that has you so energized and interested. When you're enthusiastic, you're seductive -- it's the most attractive we can be.
The Huffington Post posted this article on nine types of sex to reignite the spark in your marriage!
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
How to Spot and Deal with Passive-Aggressive People
― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior
The NYU Medical Center defines a passive-aggressive individual as someone who "may appear to comply or act appropriately, but actually behaves negatively and passively resists." Passive- aggressive actions can range from the relatively mild, such as making excuses for not getting together, to the very serious, such as sabotaging someone’s well-being and success.
Most chronically passive-aggressive individuals have four common characteristics: They’re unreasonable to deal with, they’re uncomfortable to experience, they rarely express their hostility directly, and they repeat their subterfuge behavior over time. Passive aggressiveness may be directed towards a person or a group.
Read more from Psychology Today
____
Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)