Resolutions for Divorced Parents

Dear Kids,

Because we both love you, these are our New Year's Resolutions for divorced parents:

We won't forget the profoundly unfair truth that this divorce -- which you didn't choose, don't deserve and have no power to stop -- has hit you hardest of all. You're the ones who have to schlep back and forth between homes, and you have the right to express outrage -- free from worry that we'll become hurt, defensive or angry.

We know you hate it when we don't give you a say over your own lives, and we know that the schedule we designed when you were four might not work when you're fourteen. So we'll listen with open minds and accommodate your wishes when we can.

If a time comes when you want to spend more time with one of us, we won't assume it means you love the other less, or are running to the more permissive parent. Your needs for closeness and distance will shift between us as you grow up -- that's normal.

When you remind us of each other, we won't react with reflexive disgust. Comments like, "Ew! You look just like your mother in those sunglasses!" or, "Please, that laugh... it's like your father is in the room!" are painful attacks on you.

We won't treat you like burdensome objects to be lugged around. When we growl things at each other like, "Hey, pick-up was at two! Now I'm late for Pilates!" it makes you feel like a junky couch we left on the curb for the Salvation Army.

We won't scrub the house of evidence of each other like it's suddenly a hazmat zone. We'll duplicate photo albums so you'll have them in both places, and if you want our wedding portrait in your room we'll cheerfully supply it.

We won't criticize each other in your presence. And we'll remember that rolling our eyes counts and that you overhear about ninety-five percent of our phone conversations.

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Victoria Ehmen MA LMFT is a certified Sex Therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist in Volusia County for 22 years . (386) 253-2531